Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be huge. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of location. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But yes, certain, let's have An additional position in which American Adult males can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer everyone a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly comfortable power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked about the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where company may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Appear"

The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is already attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may also include:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to hold out to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences counsel:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Trump Tower Damascus Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."